Instructions on a mouse trap:

Instructions on a mouse trap:

Place bait, peanut butter is recommended, in center of pad. Bring spring loaded lever to far right side of trap and hold in place while securing trigger beneath small notch on pad. (See illustration). Carefully release spring loaded lever.

WARNING: DO NOT PLACE FINGERS INSIDE TRAP AFTER TRAP IS SET.

What they neglect to tell you:

These steps are impossible to follow unless you have three hands or a masters’ degree in setting mouse traps. And the warning isn’t necessary: you’ll figure that out after the first try.

I am an expert mouse-trapper. In my former home, we had a bit of a rodent problem. That is to say, there were more of them than there were of us. We were the intruders. It’s not that I was content to co-exist, necessarily. I just wasn’t driven to find a solution until I awoke one morning to find a mouse perched on my pillow, staring at my nose like it was a hunk of cheese. I decided I had had enough.

Game on, Whiskers.

Choosing the method to mouse-control is complicated. You have to decide between the traditional wooden mouse traps and the new-fangled plastic ones that look like they’re made of legos. There were also glue traps, which were intriguing for a number of reasons; and live traps, which I wasn’t not the least bit interested in. I wasn’t planning to operate a catch and release program. This was not Free Mickey. This was Kill Mickey. And Minnie. And all their little relatives. Normally, I’m not a genocidal maniac, but when I’m exhausted and just want to sleep in a rodentless bed, when it’s me or them, I turn into a killing machine.

I laid my traps with care but before I was done, I was wearing Flintstones band-aids on every finger.  The next morning, I checked out the situation. The glue boards were a hit, which was good. But the victims were still alive, which was bad. Now I had a tangle of furry little bodies frozen in a macabre game of Twister to deal with.

Gingerly, I used my Wilma index finger and Barney thumb and lifted a board by the tip. Whisker Boy stared up at me with a stunned expression. His eyes were two black marbles, wide open and watching my every move. I was consumed by guilt. I mean, I totally got what he was feeling; it’s a bewildering thing to be going about your life, minding your own business, then suddenly wham you end up in the middle of glue-world.

He twitched his whiskers at me. I wrinkled my nose back. “Sucks, huh?” I touched the top of his head and he lashed at me, slicing bandaid Wilma’s throat with a pair of razor-sharp teeth. I jerked my finger back, studying Wilma’s decapitation with a frown.

Note to self: Don’t try to make nice with a mouse after you’ve trapped it in glue.

With a sigh, I replaced glue board and headed for the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

I knew I shoulda gone for catch and release.

Now I had catch and can’t release. 

To be continued...